Shocking Honor: Rudy Giuliani Receives Controversial Presidential Medal sparking Nationwide Outrage

How do you even begin to process a moment so gloriously bizarre that it makes Thanksgiving dinners with your weirdest uncle look positively mundane by comparison? There’s a photograph out there—Rudy Giuliani, misty-eyed and grinning, clutching the most jaw-droppingly on-the-nose award ever dreamt up: the Presidential Medal of Incest . I mean, did you ever think the phrase “generational advocate for sexual contact between relatives” would hit your retina before a second cup of coffee? Holy hell, buckle up. Some days, satire just takes you to places Google Maps won’t even try to pin. But here we are: a surreal White House honor, a cameo from Trump, and more lip service to “pure bloodlines” than a bad vampire flick. So… does marrying your cousin qualify you for a place in American history—or just a punchline for the ages? Dive into this Onion gem and behold a world where awkward family reunions finally get the presidential seal of approval. LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—Lauded as a generational advocate for sexual contact between relatives, former New York City mayor and man who married his cousin Rudy Giuliani was awarded the Presidential Medal of Incest at a White House ceremony Tuesday. “Not only is Rudy a great American patriot, but he inspires all of us to summon the bravery to put the moves on our hot cousins,” said President Donald Trump, draping the nation’s highest honor for civilians who have sex with their family members onto a misty-eyed Giuliani. “In recognition of his many years of keeping his bloodline pure, he now joins a line of great American citizens: incestuous thinkers like Albert Einstein, incestuous writers like Edgar Allan Poe, incestuous leaders like John C. Calhoun, and incestuous musicians like Jerry Lee Lewis. Rudy is the first Italian American to receive this award, and his work has shown the country that no matter how unrelated your parents were, you can still achieve great inbreeding.” Prior to the ceremony, numerous critics argued that Giuliani was unqualified for such a distinguished honor, observing that he had only married his second cousin.