Shocking Law Mandates Cocaine Savings Accounts for Child Stars—What’s Behind the Controversial Move?
Ever wondered if Hollywood could possibly get weirder? Well, hold onto your artisanal kale smoothies—because we’ve officially reached a new altitude of absurdity. Picture this: Congress, in all its stumbling wisdom, just passed a law that will finally ensure child actors—yes, literal children in the entertainment industry—have a secure stash of their “hard-earned” cocaine waiting for them when adulthood comes knocking. It’s almost poetic, really. Growing up, I had to worry whether my savings bond would mature… these kids are worried their powder stash won’t! Are we witnessing the birth of the world’s first nose-candy trust fund, or is this just America’s surreal way of handing out college savings accounts? Dive nose-first into this wild saga, where parental guidance is apparently optional but setting aside uncut bricks for a rainy day is now a legal requirement. Honestly, does this make Home Alone an even darker comedy? LEARN MORE.
WASHINGTON—In a move designed to help minors in the entertainment industry hold on to their hard-earned substances, Congress passed a new law Thursday that requires 15% of all cocaine received by child actors to be set aside for their future. “The sad truth is that a lot of the coke given to children who work in Hollywood can end up being totally gone by the time they reach adulthood,” said Sen. Alex Padilla (D-CA), telling reporters there were far too many cases of former child stars who had accumulated thousands of pounds of blow during their peak earning years but were now living bump to bump. “For decades, child actors have been vulnerable to predatory agents hoovering up their precious nose candy without leaving the kids so much as a mirror or a rolled-up $50 bill. In some cases, it’s their own parents who do every last bit of the blow. This law ensures that a few uncut bricks will be held in reserve until these young performers reach the age of 18.” Acknowledging that additional protections were required, Padilla stated that he hoped 15% would at least be enough to get former child stars through college.
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