“Shocking Proposal: Pete Hegseth Advocates for Drastic Reduction in AA Steps—Is Recovery at Risk?”

In a move that could only be described as wildly ambitious—if not a tad controversial—Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has set his sights on the Alcoholics Anonymous recovery model, calling it “wasteful” and “bloated.” Yes, you heard that right! Gone are the days when alcoholics were expected to fumble through a dozen steps to realize their worth; Hegseth proposes whittling it down to a single, streamlined process—something akin to a prayer, perhaps? With a confident (and slightly alarming) promise of 92% efficiency savings, Hegseth’s plan not only aims to save time but also to ensure Americans can get to happy hour a tad quicker. But does ditching foundational steps like acknowledging a problem actually lead to a happier life, or is this just a recipe for disaster? Buckle up, because this satirical take promises an entertaining critique of government efficiency that might make you laugh, think, and pour another drink! LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—Lambasting the current program as wasteful, bloated, and entirely unnecessary, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth called for steep cuts Monday to the number of steps in the Alcoholics Anonymous recovery model. “We must cut through the red tape bogging down what could be a far more efficient AA,” said Hegseth, who slammed the 12-step program as an undue burden on alcoholics, not only in the Defense Department, but across all levels of federal government. “We’re going to start by slashing the parts about admitting you have a problem and making amends to everyone you’ve supposedly ‘hurt.’ Ideally, we’ll cut it down to one step—praying or whatever it is. That’s a 92% savings in steps. Eventually, we hope to get rid of the program entirely.” Hegseth added that the time saved by the reduction in steps would also allow Americans to get to happy hour far more quickly.