“Shocking Revelations: Elon Musk Launches Controversial Database Exposing Federal Employees in a Bid for Transparency and Retribution!”

In a move that’s sparked both shock and rolling laughter, Elon Musk’s latest executive scheme has two sides of a very peculiar coin: government accountability and an eyebrow-raising demand for federal employee nudity. Yes, you read that right! The self-proclaimed innovator has announced the creation of a federal employee revenge porn database, dubbing it a “necessary measure” to improve the productivity of notoriously “lazy” civil servants. It seems like the era of bureaucratic paperwork is being replaced by a rather unorthodox approach to performance reviews. Can you imagine the board meetings? Picture federal workers scurrying to produce “explicit” content or facing public shame on pornographic platforms! It’s a wild world where AI steps in to create hot videos if employees can’t provide their own. Musk might just be onto something here—for better or worse. Is this a bold leap towards government reform or simply a bizarre prank gone too far? Buckle up, because things are about to get weird in the halls of power. <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/ElonMuskEmployee_Revenge-NIB-PH.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—Promising to use the U.S. DOGE Service to usher in a new age of government accountability and transparency, Elon Musk ordered the creation of a federal employee revenge porn database this week. “Federal employees have been lazy and unmotivated for years, so to ensure productivity going forward, all government workers must email me private nudes they would never want leaked,” said Musk, who warned members of the U.S. civil service that failing to send in a sexually explicit video in which their face was clearly visible would be considered a resignation. “In the event of insubordination or noncompliance with executive orders, these private porn videos will be immediately posted to Pornhub and other sites using the employee’s full name. I don’t want any of that softcore shit either—only videos with full penetration or clear oral sex acts will be considered valid. DOGE employees and myself will be personally reviewing each video to ensure compliance and will reject any videos deemed not explicit enough.” Musk added that for any federal employee who does not currently have a qualifying sex tape, AI would be used to create one.