Shocking Study Reveals Most Americans Secretly Banking on Pretty Woman-Style Retirement Fantasy

Have you ever gazed out the window on a rainy Wednesday, cup of lukewarm coffee in hand, and wondered if your real retirement plan is less 401(k) and more “catch the eye of a silver fox driving a Lotus Esprit?” No? Just me and… apparently, most Americans? According to a side-splitting new report, the classic advice about diversifying your portfolio is out, and hoping Richard Gere mistakes you for Julia Roberts is officially in. With more people betting on Pretty Woman-style serendipity than on prudent budgeting or compound interest, I can’t decide whether to laugh, cry, or go shopping for some ludicrously over-the-top boots. So, are we all just waiting for fate, or is the American Dream now a Hollywood meet-cute with interest only payable in charm? If you’re curious whether trading spreadsheets for sparkling earrings will really save your golden years, you’ll want to read this. LEARN MORE

WASHINGTON—Highlighting a growing wealth gap nationwide, the Pew Research Center published a report Wednesday that revealed the average American’s plan for retirement now involves Richard Gere falling for them after paying for sex. “Our findings suggest that the vast majority of people are now hinging their retirement on Mr. Gere spotting them on the street, beckoning them over to his sports car, and becoming so smitten with their rough-hewn, street-smart ways that he invites them for an unforgettable evening at his hotel,” said report author Karyn Harpswell, adding that out of the 3,784 Americans surveyed, virtually all respondents listed putting on thigh-high boots and large hoop earrings to catch the veteran screen actor’s eye as a more sound investment strategy than a diversified portfolio, careful budgeting, or a Roth IRA. “Regardless of age, sex, or racial background, the thought process seemed to be that after one incredible night of lovemaking, they would wake up in Gere’s bed and find he already had plans to pay them to stick around for the next week. Then, between the exquisite meals at fancy restaurants and glamorous outfits on his dime, any additional retirement planning would be unnecessary, particularly if they could eventually convince Gere that they were meant to be together forever.” The report added that the plans of most Americans also involved avoiding Jason Alexander at all costs.