“Shocking Survey Reveals Most Americans Can’t Even Name Their Neighbors—What Does This Mean for Our Society?”

Have you ever tried naming all your friends, let alone all 340 million Americans? A recent survey, commissioned by the Department of Education, exposes a rather shocking revelation: most U.S. citizens can’t do it! That’s right—only 15% of respondents were able to rattle off the names of every single person in the country, while a whopping one-third mistakenly tossed in Canadians and Mexicans into the mix. It seems we’ve gone from knowing our neighbors to squinting in confusion at “what was that guy’s name again?”—and researchers are pegging it as an educational crisis. If you think the average European might know more names than the average American, well, you’re probably not alone in that thought. And just imagine the horror if they asked folks to include middle initials! At this rate, we might need more than just a refresher course; perhaps a giant game of name tag bingo could save us all. Ready or not, let’s dig into this peculiar slice of American ignorance! <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/01/DistressingSurveyNIBSPH.jpg”>LEARN MORE

WASHINGTON—Revealing a steep decline in the populace’s knowledge of its own country, a distressing survey commissioned Monday by the Department of Education found that most U.S. citizens are unable to name all 340 million Americans. “The ability to recite from memory the names of each of the nation’s residents used to be a basic component of a person’s civic knowledge, but of the respondents we polled, only 15% could list them all,” said researcher Janet Medallis, adding that a full third of respondents incorrectly included citizens of Canada and Mexico in their answers. “People made it through the Johns and Marys confidently enough, but most of them trailed off well before naming a single Kip. As alarming as it is to say, the average European can probably name more U.S. citizens than the average American. It’s a full-blown educational crisis. And keep in mind, this is just asking them for first and last. God only knows how bad it would be if we asked them to list all 340 million middle initials too.” At press time, the researchers had reportedly petitioned Congress to appropriate $50 million for name tags.