Shocking Trends Emerge: Why Is Trump Gaining Support Among Controversial Working-Class Groups?

Ever looked at a photo and wondered, “Could things get any more unhinged?”—then realized, oh, we are living in that precise timeline? There I was, coffee in hand, minding my own “doomscrolling on a Tuesday,” when I stumbled across this beauty: another blindingly satirical piece plunging bald-first into the pandemonium of American politics. Hats off to The Onion, because today’s headline doesn’t just take the cake, it dropkicks the cake into next week. On the surface, you might think political polling is—yawn—boring, but then, boom, the numbers are dropped like a sack of manure in your living room. I can’t decide if it’s shock, laughter, or the unsettling urge to wash my brain with industrial bleach, but one thing’s certain—when it comes to support bases, nothing says “bizarre” like galloping approval ratings from the very worst corners of humanity. Is it satire if you can’t tell whether to laugh, cry, or call your therapist? Either way, let’s take off the kid gloves and wade into this fever dream together. LEARN MORE

WASHINGTON—Despite the president’s sagging approval rating overall, a Gallup Poll released Tuesday confirmed that Donald Trump’s support remained overwhelmingly strong among working-class American pedophiles. “Even though his polling numbers among Americans who are not sexually attracted to children have hit a second-term low, the president’s approval rating is still an impressive 80% among child rapists with household incomes between $30,000 and $80,000,” said polling analyst Lily Willis, explaining that Gallup’s results indicated that Trump’s agenda still spoke to the large number of Americans primarily concerned with kitchen table issues like whether or not they’ll be able to afford 13-year-old prostitutes. “For sexual predators who molest kids paycheck to paycheck, Trump’s promise to jump-start the economy with tariffs remains extremely popular. Furthermore, the recent trend of lower gas prices has significantly eased the financial burden on pedophiles whose sex crimes often rely on trafficking children across state lines. Interestingly, while the poll demonstrated that Trump’s support has softened among rapists more broadly, his approval rating remains safely above water among the demographic of ephebophiles—those who, like Trump himself, are sexually attracted to teenagers.” At press time, Democratic strategists were reportedly looking for new ways to appeal to the essential pedophile voting bloc to avoid a disastrous midterm election.