“Shocking Twist: Oscar-Winning ‘Kissing The Martinet’ Exposed as Fiction—Fans Outraged!”

Imagine waking up to find out that your favorite movie, the one everyone raved about, the one that just snagged the coveted Best Picture at the Academy Awards, doesn’t actually exist. Well, brace yourselves, because that’s precisely the reality that hit film fans when they learned that Kissing The Martinet, the supposed cinematic gem of 2024, was nothing more than a figment of collective imagination. Talk about a plot twist! As film critic Alexander Van Wyk lamented, it’s a bitter pill to swallow—discovering that not only did you not see the film, but you potentially wasted precious zero minutes of your life contemplating scenes that never played out on screen! Let’s face it, we’ve all been there—confused and betrayed by the enigma of fictional fame. So, will next year’s awards season implement safeguards to prevent this fiasco from happening again? Or are we destined to continue sifting through a world where our beloved cinematic dreams are ghostly mirages? Buckle up folks, because it’s a wild ride in the land of make-believe! <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/BestPictureWinner-NIB-PH.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

LOS ANGELES—In a development that cast a shadow over the 97th Academy Awards, the filmmakers behind Best Picture winner Kissing The Martinet reportedly faced backlash Monday after fans learned the movie did not exist. “I can’t believe Kissing The Martinet, my favorite movie of 2024, is not a real movie,” said film critic Alexander Van Wyk, who described the feeling of betrayal he was left with after learning he did not watch the movie because it had never been made. “There should be some sort of safeguard implemented next year to ensure the films we’re pretending to have seen really exist. Next you’re gonna tell me that my favorite film of all time, The Swan’s Mistress, isn’t real either. God, I wish I could take back the zero minutes of my life I wasted sitting through that one.” At press time, Van Wyk admitted that he still thought the scene he imagined in which a lady named something like Melonia DuMont kissed the martinet was very well done.