“Supreme Court’s Controversial 6-3 Decision Sparks Fears of Batibat’s Ancient Wrath Reawakening”
The ruling, which overturns a 1972 decision by the court that condemned the obese tree-dwelling demon to an impenetrable tomb for all eternity, has raised concerns that countless lives could be endangered by her release. In a majority opinion joined by his fellow conservatives on the bench, Justice Samuel Alito argued that while the Constitution guarantees certain inalienable rights for all U.S. citizens, it does not offer explicit protection against the merciless Ilocano devil.
“Today, a historic wrong has been righted, and the catacomb of the tempestuous Batibat will again be unsealed,” wrote Alito, laying out a scathing repudiation of Pell v. Bangungot, the highly publicized case that originally entombed the grotesque monster’s sulfurous form in a specially made osmium vault. “Contemporaneous accounts provide no evidence the Founding Fathers envisioned a role for the federal government in vanquishing this unholy entity from the face of the earth.”
In a full-throated dissent, Justice Elena Kagan argued that her colleagues in the majority had “grossly misinterpreted the Constitution” by claiming the 14th Amendment does not provide safeguards against having the very breath stolen from one’s body by a malevolent spirit. Kagan added that the pro-exhumation justices “outright ignored” the common-law basis of various enchantments, incantations, and exorcistic practices that have been used to subdue malignant wraiths since the founding of the United States.
“Precedent dictates that the American people have a right to be kept safe from sinister forces using any number of arcane binding hexes,” wrote Kagan, who observed that Alito failed to consider the social consequences inherent in unsealing vessels of the damned and unleashing supernatural forces like Batibat upon the public. “The fact that the Constitution makes no express reference to a right to remain free of demonic possession is irrelevant.”
