“Supreme Court’s Controversial 6-3 Decision Sparks Fears of Batibat’s Ancient Wrath Reawakening”
“It is in the best interest of liberty, justice, and equality to ensure everyone is protected against fat Filipino ghosts who sit on people’s chests until they asphyxiate,” her opinion continued.
The White House issued a statement condemning the decision to awaken the insidious presence, calling it “a blatantly political and hubristic move” that will reverberate through the nation for years to come. The American Civil Liberties Union also disavowed the ruling, which came on the heels of the court voting 5-4 to uphold an obscure Louisiana law that permits the summoning of soul-devouring succubi on public property.
“The Americans hit hardest by these rulings will be those who cannot pay for expensive protection potions or afford to visit a local white witch,” ACLU spokesperson Will Longley said. “No language in today’s decision stops the federal government from setting free the banshees, dybbuks, and mogwais this nation has fought so hard to banish to the netherworld.”
He added, “We are calling on the Biden administration to do everything it can to codify into law the entombment of these accursed spectral creatures of the night for all Americans—not just the wealthy.”
The ruling has also spurned new debate over what will happen to other exiled spirits of hellish origin, many of whom are currently confined to ancient burial grounds, abandoned Victorian mansions, and similar haunted locales. According to top constitutional scholars, today’s groundbreaking court decision could result in these evil entities being released and plaguing the nation with vengeance anew.
