“Texas Unveils Controversial ID Law for Phallic Foods: What’s Behind This New Legislative Twist?”

In a move that’s got more twists than a pretzel at a county fair, Texas lawmakers have decided it’s high time to put the kibosh on what they’re calling “adult foodstuffs.” Yep, you read that right. Starting now, anyone in the Lone Star State looking to purchase a banana, cucumber, or (hold on to your nachos) a baguette will need to flash an ID that would make a bouncer at a club jealous. I mean, what’s next, requiring a background check for buying whipped cream? Governor Greg Abbott claims this law will keep innocent minors safe from lewd produce and baked goods, suggesting that these items be stashed behind glass cases or in secret adult-only aisles. I can’t help but wonder—are we really going to tackle the serious issues facing Texas one phallic food at a time? This isn’t just a grocery store problem; it’s a whole new frontier in food politics! And if you’re nabbed for buying eggplants for kids, you might just find yourself on an undesirable watchlist… Welcome to the future of supermarket shopping! For those who are curious about the latest developments in this ridiculous saga, LEARN MORE.

AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to crack down on the statewide proliferation of adult foodstuffs, the Texas Legislature passed a new law Friday requiring all residents to show identification to buy phallic foods. “From bananas to cucumbers to submarine sandwiches, obscene foods will no longer be allowed to fall into the hands of minors in the Lone Star State,” said Gov. Greg Abbott, adding that an officially issued driver’s license or passport would be needed to purchase a baguette, which is defined in the legislation as “any elongated breadlike object used to simulate male genitals.” “No decent person should be buying lewd produce and baked goods, which is why these items need to be safely placed behind locked plexiglass cases or in an adults-only section of the supermarket where innocent kids can’t see them. And rest assured, if you are found to be buying a corn dog or eggplant for a child, you’ll be placed on a watchlist.” At press time, Texas had reportedly expanded the law to require an ID to purchase any deli meats that realistically mimic vaginal texture.