The Question That Dooms Every Dating App Conversation—And Why We Can’t Escape It

Ever catch yourself staring into the digital void, finger hovering nervously over the “Send” button, only to blurt out, “You on the apps?” I have—more times than I’d like to admit . Is that the modern mating call, or a cry for help echoing through endless swipes and dead-end chats? This article masterfully drags into the spotlight the cold, clinical horror show that is present-day dating: four words, a flat stare, maybe an awkward chuckle—then the utterly soul-numbing exchange over Bumble versus Tinder . I mean, if the highlight of your evening is agreeing, “for sure, for sure,” maybe it’s time to swipe left on love and right into therapy . Feeling seen? Or just feeling bleak? Trust me, if awkward silences had a Hall of Fame, these two would be the main exhibit . Ready for a tragicomic peek into humanity’s boldest run at joyless connection? <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/YouOnThe_Apps-NIB-PH.jpg”>LEARN MORE

LOS ALAMOS, NM—The four words presaging even grimmer dialogue to come, the phrase “you on the apps?” reportedly heralded the beginning of the world’s bleakest conversation, sources reported Tuesday. Several reports indicated that the already dire back-and-forth was further cemented as among the most depressing ever once the speaker followed up with a question about whether the listener preferred Bumble over Tinder. According to sources, the ensuing periods of silences broken up by the phrases “for sure, for sure,” and “oh, yeah, totally,” assured this conversation’s status as one of the most dismal in the course of human history. At press time, both participants in the conversation had reportedly gone home together to engage in some of the planet’s most mundane and joyless sexual intercourse.