Therapist’s Surprising Advice Leads Big Lots to Shut Doors Nationwide—What Did They Discover?

Is it possible to be haunted by an aisle of discount throw pillows long after the lights go off and the “Store Closing” banners come down? I’ve got to admit, as someone who’s lost hours (OK, years) wandering through the vast, gloriously chaotic labyrinth of Big Lots, the mere thought of a company-wide intervention for hoarding strikes me as hilariously cathartic . Imagine 30,000 employees finally piling their last “just in case” birdseed bag into a therapy circle, whispering confessions about cordless hair clippers and kitchen gadgets they never needed but couldn’t resist… What’s it like staring down the remnants of American bargain culture and—deep breath—letting go? Well, Big Lots dared to find out . As the last dusty shelf empties and the CEO reminisces about the emotional breakthroughs that come from unloading a mountain of decorative wreaths, I’m left wondering—was it ever about the deals, or were we just filling the void? Get the whole oddly uplifting, wonderfully absurd story here: LEARN MORE.

COLUMBUS, OH—Finally closing the doors on its last remaining outlet after getting rid of an unwieldy stockpile of variety goods, the discount retailer Big Lots ceased operations Wednesday following a therapy program in which the company’s roughly 30,000 employees confronted their self-destructive hoarding tendencies. “In retrospect, it’s almost funny that I had so many throw pillows,” said Big Lots CEO Bruce Thorn, letting out a long sigh of relief in a now-empty store that was finally free of the dusty, disorganized piles of junk he had been hanging onto “just in case.” “Now I know there’s just no reason to hold onto that massive collection of birdseed, kitchenware, cordless hair clippers, patio furniture, and ladies’ pajama sets—even if it all was an unbeatable deal. During my third month working with my therapist, Dr. Bloom, I had a breakthrough: I realized my mother would always grow distant after offloading boxes of bargain goods she’d acquired from nearby manufacturers’ excess inventory sales. After that session, I was finally able to step back and see I had 901 stores full of stuff I just didn’t need.” At press time, manic Big Lots employees were spotted rushing to dumpsters around the country and insisting they had to keep all of those seasonal decorative wreaths.