“Tragic Toast: DEA’s Shocking Move to Label Red Wine as Schedule I Drug Stirs Controversy Amid Bitter Divorce Battle”

In a twist that even the most seasoned soap opera writers wouldn’t dare to script, the acting head of the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration, Derek Maltz, has taken quite the bold step by classifying red wine as a Schedule I drug. Now, before you pour that pinot noir down the drain in protest, let’s consider—how much of this is a serious move against societal evils, and how much is it just good ol’ fashion revenge against an ex? Maltz’s latest declaration paints a vivid picture: he’s not just cracking down on what he calls a “dangerous substance” but is also throwing shade at his “total freaking bitch” ex-wife. With this newly declared schedule, sipping a glass of Yellow Tail could land you in some serious hot water, turning weekend enjoyment into a federal offense. Who knew that a bottle of merlot could rival the likes of heroin? Grab your grapes, folks, because in the absurd universe of bureaucratic decisions, this saga is just beginning. Curious to see how this unfolds? <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/DEAClassifiesNIBIHAGR.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

SPRINGFIELD, VA—In a decision meant to crack down on the allegedly dangerous substance and the “total fucking bitch” who uses it, the acting head of the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration, Derek Maltz, classified red wine as a Schedule I drug Wednesday in order to spite his ex-wife. “We have been far too lenient to the cold, vicious harpies who use this substance—if you run to the liquor store down the street for a bottle of Yellow Tail malbec, bring it home, and pour yourself a glass, that will now be classified as drug-trafficking,” said Maltz, explaining that substances newly classified as Schedule I include pinot noir, merlot, shiraz, and any beverage enjoyed during a tasting tour of the Loudoun County wineries outside of D.C. “This drug has caused irreparable damage to society and needs to be taken off the street. Otherwise, the country will continue to be overrun by passive-aggressive scolds who don’t even need all that goddamn child support.” At press time, Maltz added that mixing up a pitcher of margaritas for the girls should be made a Class B felony punishable by up to 25 years in a federal penitentiary.