Trump Demands Answers: Why Aren’t More ‘Made in USA’ Items Found in Bizarre Emergency Room Locations?

Just when I think I’ve seen it all in American politics, along comes a headline that grabs you right in the… well, let’s just say “posterior.” Have you ever stopped to wonder what’s truly dividing our country? No, it’s not just politics or pineapple on pizza—it’s the tragic lack of homegrown products found up our collective backsides, apparently . That’s right. In a move that manages to be as patriotic as it is, um… anatomically specific, President Trump has taken to condemning the “death of American manufacturing”—one flashlight and feather duster at a time. I can’t tell whether to laugh, cringe, or salute—the man wants nothing shoved where the sun don’t shine unless it was made on American soil . Would buying U.S.-made curtain rods really fix the supply chain? Or is this just another “rectum-ic” red scare? Either way, this story is an absolute doozy—whether you take your national pride standing up or, apparently, sitting down. Dive into the article for the rest of the absurdity right here: <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/TrumpDecriesNIBGPH.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—Angrily claimings the populace had neglected its patriotic duty to support domestic manufacturing, President Donald Trump issued a statement Tuesday decrying the lack of U.S.-made products lodged in American rectums. “Sad how much cheap ‘Made in China’ GARBAGE is still being stuffed into people’s asses while Great American flashlight and curtain rod makers suffer,” Trump wrote in a fiery Truth Social post, adding that “real Americans” should be absolutely sure any long, cylindrical objects they had obtained for anal penetration were manufactured in the United States before inserting them. “Same goes for imported cucumbers and carrots. Every one you get stuck in your rectum is a dollar stolen from proud American farmers! Back in the 1950s we lodged PURE AMERICAN STEEL in our backsides, but now we settle for chintzy Chinese knockoffs with NO FLARED ENDS. It’s a national disgrace! And don’t try to say you ‘just fell’ on that permanent marker made in Mexico—you should have had the handle of a beautiful American-manufactured feather duster crammed up there already!” Many top economists criticized the president’s statement, claiming Trump’s tariffs on foreign objects would not boost domestic manufacturing and would instead only leave American asses empty.