Trump Reportedly Questions If Presidents Have Authority Over Vice President’s Fate—What Was He Planning?

Ever catch yourself wondering, “Is there anything in the presidential job description about… murder?” No? Well, buckle up, because apparently Trump did—or at least that’s the satirical smoothie The Onion’s just whipped up for us. Just imagine JD Vance’s LinkedIn notifications if he actually had to research this. Honestly, when your boss leans across the desk, stares deep into your soul, and asks, “Can I legally squeeze the vice president?”—that’s not just a red flag, that’s a one-act Greek tragedy in khaki pants. From the way The Onion spins it, this fever dream of constitutional curiosity is part twisted law school pop quiz, part really dark buddy comedy . I laughed. I cringed. And, maybe I checked the Constitution, just to be absolutely sure… Don’t say I didn’t warn you—it’s a wild ride and one worth taking. LEARN MORE

WASHINGTON—Calling him “the best man for the job,” President Donald Trump reportedly asked JD Vance Thursday to research whether the president was allowed to kill the vice president. “I mean, Article II says he’s legally my property, right?” said Trump, who stated that the task was “absolutely critical” as he put both his hands on Vance’s shoulders and looked him squarely in the eye. “See if there’s anything in the Constitution about squeezing and squeezing until the light leaves his eyes. Should be fine if it’s an official act. Russell Vought says I can do it, but I just want to be sure. Though to be honest, I’m probably going to do it whether it’s legal or not.” At press time, sources reported that Vance was asking Trump if he would please let go of his neck.