Trump’s Bold New Ultimatum: Beauty Schools Must Embrace MAGA or Risk Losing Funding

Ever found yourself gazing in the bathroom mirror, scissors in hand, and thought, “Wait—is my haircut patriotic enough?” Yeah, me neither . But apparently this is now a national crisis. If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if government overreach met the Flatiron District, buckle up—because President Trump is aiming his sights straight at America’s beauty schools, insisting that the perfect coiffure is the foundation of a great nation . You honestly can’t make this stuff up (except The Onion, of course, does, and brilliantly). According to this absolute gem, not only are classic side parts back in style (by presidential decree), but blue hair apparently signals the end of Western civilization . I mean, who knew a little color from the salon could get you shipped off faster than an Amazon Prime order gone wrong?

Am I the only one imagining panels of government officials poring over Pantone swatches and arguing about split ends in the Situation Room? Makes you wonder—if your highlights aren’t MAGA-approved, is your stylist about to go on a one-way trip to somewhere…warmer? Let’s dig in and celebrate the glorious madness that is politics-meets-hairspray—one presidential memo at a time . <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/TrumpThreatensNIBGPH-copy.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—After dispatching “Dear Colleague” letters to top cosmetology programs across the country, President Donald Trump threatened Monday to defund any beauty school that did not adhere to the standards of the MAGA movement. “We’ve set exact metrics for hairstyles that comply with my administration’s agenda, and any school that fails to respect our policies will face billions in funding cuts,” said Trump, referring to the prestigious Paul Mitchell School’s refusal to relinquish its aesthetic freedom by following a presidential directive to limit men’s cuts to close-cropped side parts and women’s cuts to smooth or loosely curled blond hair reaching at least to the shoulders. “For too long, salons have embraced natural beauty, and that’s coming to an end right now. These radical left-wing lunatics promote antisemitism with their blue hair, indoctrinating our youth and encouraging them to believe they are beautiful no matter what they look like. It’s absolutely disgusting.” At press time, more than 300 hairstylists accused by the government of administering androgynous pixie cuts were reportedly on a plane bound for El Salvador.