“Trump’s Controversial Plan: Is Your Child’s Name About to Change in a Historic Rewrite?”

In a move that can only be described as one helluva twist in the saga of American politics, former President Donald Trump has somehow conjured up an executive order that’s almost too outrageous to believe. Imagine this: he’s suggesting that every child born during President Biden’s tenure should be renamed after Confederate generals! Yep, no more Kaylas or Lukeness—it’s time for kids to start answering to Beauregard and Stonewall instead. Talk about a name game of epic proportions! Trump insists that these changes will somehow restore “traditional American values” that he claims were trampled by the previous administration. Seriously, can you think of a more unexpected twist in a reality show turned political drama? Buckle up, folks, because this one’s sure to spark some heated discussions—and possibly some highly confused toddlers. <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/TrumpOrdersAllChildrenNIBGPH.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to restore what he said were traditional American values that the previous administration had attempted to destroy, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Monday decreeing that all children born while President Joe Biden was in office would be renamed after Confederate generals. “Parents across the country were shamed by angry liberals into giving their kids ‘woke’ names like Tyler and Justin when they should have been naming them Stonewall and Forrest,” said Trump, claiming that the approximately 15 million children born during the Biden administration were all given names that denied America’s true history. “Biden, he made it illegal to name your kid Lee, he did that, but we’re going to restore all those kids’ names that got taken away. Every last one. So no more Noahs, no more Liams. They are all going to be Beauregard now. These people are ashamed of America. Many of these kids should be named Bragg, but got named Braydon instead, and I’m fixing it. And if you don’t do it, we’ll be picking the name for you. This goes for girls, too.” Trump added that any parents who failed to comply with the executive order would see all federal funding withheld from their state of residence.