“Trump’s Heavyweight Sons Reveal Shocking Confession: The Ballot Banquet They Can’t Take Back!”

In a bizarre twist of fate—one befitting a satirical headline—the Trump boys find themselves physically overwhelmed after an ill-advised binge on ballots! Yes, you read that right. In an eye-popping display from Palm Beach, Don Jr. and Eric Trump confessed to reporters about their regrettable decision to munch on tens of thousands of votes, leaving them groaning in discomfort. With stomachs full to the brim and ballots spitting from their mouths like confetti gone wrong, they questions how they could’ve gotten themselves in such a mess. Was it the allure of mail-in ballots or a deep-seated craving for the ultimate political snack? Whatever the reason, it seems that some appetites just don’t know when to quit… And now, the day after revelry has them pondering their questionable life choices—right from the comfort of their shared bed. Curious about this absurd tale? Click below to dive deeper! LEARN MORE

PALM BEACH, FL—Clutching their stomachs and wincing with pain after gorging themselves on tens of thousands of votes, the morbidly obese Trump boys told reporters Monday that they now regretted eating so many ballots. “Oh, my tummy hurts real bad—definitely shouldn’t have had so many, but they looked so good,” the 459-pound Don Jr. said to his equally overweight brother Eric, both of them spitting out chewed-up pieces of mail-in ballots as they writhed in pain on their shared bed, groaning in evident discomfort from the bodily expansion that results from consuming nearly 30,000 calories of ballots and a significant portion of a voting booth. “I didn’t need those last few referen-yums [sic]. But once you start, you can’t stop. Ugh, some of these were definitely fraudulent, too. Get out of the way, Eric! I feel like I’m gonna puke!” At press time, the seat of Eric Trump’s pants had reportedly split after he attempted to snack on one more election worker.