“Trump’s Surprising Philosophical Take: How Desire Could Be the Key to America’s Struggles”

In a surprising twist of fate, President Trump has traded in his usual bombast for a moment of philosophical introspection—right in the Oval Office, no less! As the financial world teetered on the brink due to his latest tariffs, he decided the best course of action was to channel his inner Zen master. Yes, you read that right. Gathered on the floor in a full lotus position, he casually reminded us that our endless yearning for possessions is nothing more than a recipe for misery. Who knew the 45th President of the United States had secrets to share about the depths of human suffering and the folly of desire? It’s certainly a turn of events that leaves one wondering—should we be taking financial advice from someone who prioritizes such existential wisdom over the price of eggs? Buckle up, America, because this ride is going to be as unpredictable as the stock market itself! But hey, if nothing else, it makes for a fantastic headline. <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/TrumpCalmlyRemindsNIBG_PH.jpg”>LEARN MORE

WASHINGTON—Seeking to reassure the public after his latest tariffs sent both U.S. and international markets into free fall, President Donald Trump calmly reminded the nation Thursday that desire is the root of all suffering. “My fellow Americans, remember that attachment to worldly things stands at the very foundation of the illusions that lead us to experience deep anguish,” said the commander-in-chief, who reportedly sat in a full lotus position on the Oval Office floor as he noted that to base one’s contentment on access to affordable food, cars, electronics, shoes, clothing, furniture, or various other imports was to make one’s existence as fickle as the stock market itself. “You tell yourself, ‘I want eggs,’ but explain to me what this ‘I’ is that you speak of? Can you point to it? Of course not. ‘I’ is a prison you’ve built for yourself. So long as you live within the ‘I,’ you live in a perpetual dream. Only when we dissolve this ‘I’ can we extinguish all of the terrible clinging and instead start living authentically in the realm of awakened life.” At press time, Trump had concluded by noting that it was thus that his Liberation Day tariffs were the path to freeing oneself from the karmic wheel of samsara.