“Unconventional Request: Highway Patrol Officer Challenges Pete Hegseth to Execute Drone Strikes with a Twist!”

In a world where the byways are just as perilous as the battlefield, one can’t help but wonder: what exactly happens when the defense secretary thinks he’s in a video game? This week, chaos unfolded in Arlington, VA, where Pete Hegseth found himself on the wrong side of the law, prompted by a highway patrol officer who wanted him to demonstrate some serious aerial bombardment skills—right from the side of the road! Can you imagine a more bizarre scenario where an officer casually asks someone to call in drone strikes as if it’s just another Thursday morning? It’s a wildly humorous incident that leaves us questioning the boundaries of authority, responsibility, and the absurdity of bureaucratic expectations. Oh, and did Hegseth brush up on his military alphabet before stepping out of that cruiser? Buckle up—this story might be just the absurdity we didn’t know we needed! <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/HIghwayPatrolNIBIHAGR-copy.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying the defense secretary had recklessly veered out of his lane numerous times, a highway patrol officer reportedly asked Pete Hegseth on Tuesday to carry out drone strikes in a straight line. “Sir, I’m going to need you to step out of the vehicle and demonstrate to me that you can authorize a straight line of aerial bombardments along the shoulder here,” Marcus Hensley of the Virginia State Police said to a visibly flushed Hegseth, who dabbed sweat from his brow as he was told he would also need to recite the branches of the military in backward alphabetical order. “I’d like you to call in nine drone strikes, counting each one out loud, and then carry out nine more back toward me. Take a deep breath first, if you need to. Just go ahead and place those AGM-114 Hellfire missiles one in front of the other for me. Keep your eyes on your MQ-9 Reaper drones and begin whenever you’re ready.” At press time, sources confirmed Hegseth was sitting in the back of the officer’s cruiser after accidentally incinerating a passing Chevy Tahoe.