Uncover the Surprising Secrets Every First-Time Hiker Needs to Know
Ever look at a hiking trail and think, “Is this where my dignity goes to die—or just my cell signal?” I mean, there’s something about strapping on boots just to chase endorphins and questionable life choices through endless patches of poison ivy that makes you question your whole vibe . But hey, apparently, nature’s “good for your soul”—and apparently, so is learning wilderness survival from headlines that read like they were drafted during a fever dream . What if all you really need is a pen for your tragic last words, Cher on Bluetooth for morale, and the courage to admit you’d eat Greg from accounting if it came down to it? Lacing up, for better or worse, just got an upgrade you didn’t see coming . Want to know how to make your forest stroll survivable—or at least memorable? LEARN MORE.Hiking can be an enjoyable way to achieve your exercise goals while spending quality time in nature. Here are The Onion’s tips for first-time hikers.
Before heading into the wilderness, practice walking around and getting bored in your neighborhood.
Carry a writing implement and paper for your heartbreaking last note.
Don’t hike with anyone you’re not willing to eat.
Head in a general “up” direction.
When encountering potentially dangerous animals, spread your wallet open as wide as you can to demonstrate that you are richer than they are.
Only venture off the official trail to investigate the mystical voice of a woman singing somewhere just out of view.
Wear reflective gear so circling vultures can find you.
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