Uncovering Secrets: DOGE Employees’ Mysterious Dig at Arlington National Cemetery Sparks Outrage

Have you ever wondered how far a government will go to pinch pennies—like, maybe dig up an entire national cemetery because, hey, those “freeloaders” haven’t contributed to the GDP in 150 years? Well, buckle up . This one’s wild . As I scrolled past that now-iconic image of bulldozers poised atop Arlington National Cemetery, all I could think was, “Is there a new cost-saving metric for tombstones-per-acre?” The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE)—yes, that’s really their acronym—just leveled 400,000 gravestones in the name of fighting waste and “woke bureaucracy .” I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t equal parts horrified and entertained by the spectacle . I mean, who comes up with this stuff? More importantly, who drafts a press release about evicting the Unknown Soldier? If you’re ready to dive into a satirical spectacle so sharp it could exhume a marble monument, this is it . LEARN MORE

ARLINGTON, VA—In an initiative they described as a vital part of their effort to cut federal spending, officials at the Department of Government Efficiency reported Wednesday that they had dug up Arlington National Cemetery. “The American people gave the president a clear mandate to fight waste, fraud, and abuse by removing the freeloading corpses buried in these graves,” said acting administrator Amy Gleason, who argued that DOGE was simply cracking down on an “unpopular woke bureaucracy” when its fleet of bulldozers and excavators leveled the 400,000 white tombstones that marked the final resting place of armed service members and their immediate families. “Last week, we asked the U.S. Army to send us five things the bodies had accomplished recently, and we heard nothing back. So it’s possible this entire graveyard is a fraud against the American people. Some of these veterans have been dead for over 150 years. They’re no longer even authorized to be on this land.” At press time, a team of DOGE employees was seen continuing the effort to eliminate waste at the cemetery by loading the massive marble Tomb of the Unknown Soldier into a dump truck.