“Unexpected Turn: College Tour Group Finds Themselves Inside Controversial ICE Vehicle”

In a world where college tours are meant to ignite dreams of academic adventures and campus camaraderie, who could have predicted a detour into the back of a black SUV? In a rather bizarre twist of fate, nearly a dozen hopeful students on a Cornell University campus tour found themselves whisked away—quite literally—by unmarked Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers. Just as prospective students were poised to learn about bowling alleys and world-renowned dining halls, their tour took an unexpected, surreal turn. With their guide caught between the scripted wonders of college life and the urgency of ICE’s vague intentions, one has to wonder: Is this a typical rite of passage or a rather dramatic plot twist in the college experience? Buckle up—this story spirals into the absurd faster than you can say “liberal arts!” <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/CollegeCampusTourEndsNIBGPH.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

ITHACA, NY—As nearly a dozen prospective students were forced into the back of a car with tinted windows, a Cornell University campus tour reportedly ended Tuesday inside an unmarked Immigration and Customs Enforcement vehicle. “Over there you can see our student center, which boasts its own bowling alley, and then, if you all will follow me, it seems these masked gentlemen want us to wrap things up in their black SUV,” said tour guide and Cornell junior Jacob Geisner, who was preparing to describe the college’s housing options and meal plans when three ICE officers in street clothes rushed up and, without identifying themselves, demanded the group of 16- and 17-year-olds come with them immediately. “This isn’t a scheduled part of the tour, but I can tell you we’re currently leaving the campus at about 100 miles per hour. Out that window, you’ll see the last glimpse of our largest dining hall, named after Toni Morrison. At this point I need to depart from my prepared script because I don’t know where they’re taking us, but this highway does go to the nearest major airport, in Syracuse, and it sounds like we all need to bind our wrists with these heavy-duty zip ties or they’ll treat us as if we’re resisting arrest.” At press time, the Department of Homeland Security issued a short statement saying the tour group was now in a detention facility in Jena, LA.