“Unholy Revelations: How a Near-Death Experience Transformed the Pope and Left Cardinals Reeling”

In a stunning twist of divine irony, the cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church are feeling a little, shall we say, uncomfortable with Pope Francis’s sudden and intense religious fervor following his recent health scare. I mean, who would’ve thought a guy might get a spiritual awakening after a near-death experience? But here we are! According to Italian cardinal Camillo Ruini, ever since the pontiff’s hospitalization for bilateral pneumonia, he’s been going full-on zealot, dishing out more “God talk” than a preacher on Sunday morning. Is it his newfound obsession with souls and Saint Joseph that’s left the clergy scratching their heads, or is it just an unfortunate side effect of too many hospital jello cups? Whatever the case, it seems the Vatican is hoping the pope’s “chosen path” swings back to his previously chill demeanor—because honestly, who wants to hear another long-winded sermon when there’s a whole world of non-judgmental pizza out there? Ready for a heavenly laugh? Well, check this out! <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/CardinalsWeirdedNIBGPH.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

VATICAN CITY—Saying the pontiff’s abrupt change in personality had put them all on edge, cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church confirmed Friday that they were weirded out by how religious the pope had become following his recent brush with death. “Ever since Pope Francis got out of the hospital, he’s been pretty much nonstop with all this Jesus stuff,” said Italian cardinal Camillo Ruini, adding that while Francis had always been pretty easygoing before his bout with bilateral pneumonia, a newfound preoccupation with everyone’s everlasting souls was making him very stressful to be around. “It’s always ‘God’ this, ‘the afterlife’ that. I get that almost dying is scary, but it’s a huge bummer to hear him raving about how he has a duty to the church like some kind of religious wack job. I mean, I even saw him praying the other day. I asked what he was doing, and he just said something about this being his ‘chosen path,’ whatever that means. Hopefully he’ll move on with his life and get back to normal soon, because I’m not sure I can stand another one of his big spiels about the devotion of Saint Joseph.” Cardinal Ruini went on to say it was especially disappointing because Pope Benedict XVI had actually really chilled out about religion after his health took a turn back in 2013.