“Unlock the Secrets: 7 Surprising Strategies to Outsmart Package Thieves!”

"Unlock the Secrets: 7 Surprising Strategies to Outsmart Package Thieves!"

As the holiday season approaches and our online shopping carts fill up faster than Santa’s sleigh on Christmas Eve, there’s a grim reality lurking beneath the festive glow: package theft. With around 120 million packages going missing each year, you might wonder if your perfectly planned gift is about to embark on a journey without you. Fear not! In true humor fashion, The Onion serves up a smorgasbord of tongue-in-cheek tips to keep those pesky thieves at bay. So, whether you’re considering hiring a grizzled watchman or perhaps diving into the local package theft ring—don’t worry, we’re here for a laugh on this serious topic! Click to LEARN MORE about safeguarding your holiday treasures!

An estimated 120 million packages are stolen every year. With holiday shopping in full swing,The Onion shares tips for preventing package theft. 

Ask neighbors to keep an eye out for any packages they’d like to steal themselves.

Have your packages sent to a P.O. box so that you won’t pick them up either.

Employ a grizzled watchman to stalk about your grounds with a raised lantern and a wary eye. 

Request that your delivery worker idle in your driveway until you get back from vacation.

Go deep undercover and spend the next five years violently ascending the ranks of the local package thief ring.

Get a dog so that any would-be thieves take the dog instead of your packages. 

Sign up for in-home delivery, allowing workers to place your packages inside as long as they agree to never, ever open the red door at the end of the long, dark hall.

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