Unlocking the Secrets: What It Really Takes to Become an ICE Agent

Ever looked at a picture and wondered, “Who decides to wake up one day and say, ‘You know what, I’d love to spend my time picking people up at bus stops for a living?’” I mean, just picture it: a starched uniform, the proud glint of a badge, and—judging by the desperate recruitment drive—apparently all the empathy of a malfunctioning Roomba. With ICE now on the hunt for their next crop of star players (mass deportation experience not required, a black void where your conscience should be preferred), it’s hard not to ask…do they recruit from villain conventions, or is there, like, a tryout featuring emotional detachment and dog-punching? If you’ve ever found yourself inexplicably drawn to power trips, SnackWell’s cookies, or an empty gun bucket, The Onion has the inside scoop (and, yes, they actually made a list) on how to secure your spot in ICE’s hall of fame—or at least land yourself a sweet costume vest. If you dare, take a peek at the darkly comic roadmap ahead—does your soul have what it takes? LEARN MORE

As Immigration and Customs Enforcement seeks to increase its presence across the country, the agency is actively recruiting new agents to carry out the Trump administration’s mass deportation campaign. The Onion breaks down how to join ICE.

STEP 1

Be born with something just…missing

STEP 2

Try deporting a few neighbors without the constitutional authority to do so, to see if it’s for you

STEP 3

Unlearn any secondary languages you may know

STEP 4

If filling out the application form presents a challenge, candidates may instead demonstrate how hard they can punch a dog

STEP 5

Undergo background check confirming at least one prior arrest for a violent crime

STEP 6

Click through six-step combat training module

STEP 7

Order police vest from www.costumecorner.com

STEP 8

Grab gun from gun bucket