“Unmasking Disaster: The Shocking Truth Behind FEMA Myths That Could Change Everything!”
In a world where misinformation thrives like weeds after a rain shower, it’s no surprise that FEMA—our friendly neighborhood Federal Emergency Management Agency—has become a playground for conspiracy theorists, especially following the chaos of Hurricane Helene. I mean, do we really think they’re plotting behind closed doors with lizard people in the basement? Spoiler alert: It’s not what you think! In this piece, The Onion dives into the swirling pool of absurdities, snipping away the myths—like tales of FEMA shelling out disaster funds for steak dinners for migrants—to reveal the outright ridiculousness that loops around our collective consciousness. So, grab a snack, because we’re about to sift through some juicy untruths about FEMA that are more entertaining than a late-night infomercial! Ready to separate fact from fabulism? Let’s dig in! LEARN MORE
FEMA, a perennial target for conspiracy theorists, has faced an uptick in misinformation since Hurricane Helene struck. The Onion separates the myths from the facts surrounding the Federal Emergency Management Agency.
MYTH: FEMA spends disaster recovery money on sheltering migrants.
FACT: Those funds are exclusively used to buy migrants steak and lobster.
MYTH: FEMA created Hurricane Helene to mine for lithium in North Carolina.
FACT: FEMA’s child slaves already provide the agency with all the lithium it needs.
MYTH: FEMA wants people to vacate their homes so the government can seize them.
FACT: FEMA wants people to vacate their homes so they can set up cameras in their toilets.
MYTH: You have to pay back any money FEMA gives you.
FACT: No, you’re thinking of that man with brass knuckles who’s waiting in the other room.
MYTH: FEMA is run by malevolent lizard people.
FACT: FEMA is run by Deanne Criswell, who manages several teams of malevolent lizard people.
MYTH: FEMA is the most corrupt government agency.
FACT: FEMA’s got nothing on those sketchy motherfuckers at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing.
MYTH: 5G technology was developed by FEMA to sterilize white Americans so imported minority voters could take over.
FACT: FEMA is no way connected to that ongoing FBI operation.
MYTH: FEMA will only assist poor people.
FACT: No part of the government is designed to assist poor people.
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