“Unmasking the Controversy: Why Posting Photos of Elon Musk’s Hairline Has Been Labeled Domestic Terrorism”

In a twist that even the wildest satirists couldn’t have seen coming, the U.S. Department of Justice has declared that sharing images of a balding Elon Musk is now considered an act of domestic terrorism. Yes, you read that right! Attorney General Pam Bondi went full throttle, warning that those daring enough to post or repost such images from the tech mogul’s illustrious PayPal heyday might face a five-year mandatory sentence. It seems that in America, one can now earn a trip to the big house for a mere social media gasp at a hairline’s decline! So, what does this mean for freedom of expression—are we really sliding down a rabbit hole where old pictures morph into criminal artifacts? Grab your popcorn, folks, because this spectacle is just heating up! And amidst all this, President Trump is reportedly getting hair plugs in solidarity—talk about hair-raising events! <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/DOJdesignatesposting-NIB-PH.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—Warning that the charge carried a five-year mandatory minimum sentence, the U.S. Department of Justice declared Friday that the distribution of images featuring a balding Elon Musk constituted an act of domestic terrorism. “For the benefit of all Americans, anyone who posts or reposts photos from Mr. Musk’s PayPal days will be prosecuted for terrorism,” said Attorney General Pam Bondi, who confirmed the Justice Department was already prosecuting multiple cases in which social media users were alleged to have disseminated decades-old photos of the DOGE leader’s receding hairline. “Anyone who likes or replies to the photos will be treated as a terrorist sympathizer. If you possess these images, delete them now. Elon Musk is a patriot with a great American hairline.” At press time, President Donald Trump was showing his support for Musk by getting hair plugs in a televised press conference on the White House South Lawn.