Unseen Rider on City Streets: Who Let a 5-Year-Old Take the Wheel of a Lyft Scooter?

Back in my day, the only thing five-year-olds were allowed to ride was a tricycle with Spiderman stickers—definitely not anything with two wheels and a corporate logo zipping through L.A. traffic like it’s a Mario Kart bonus level . But here we are, living in the timeline where a kindergartner’s morning includes weaving through crowds on a Lyft scooter while researchers shrug with the enthusiasm of someone tossing another sock into the lost-and-found bin . Do we intervene, or just keep walking and pretend we didn’t see her blow by faster than my latest algorithm update? Am I the only one wondering whether she already figured out Apple Pay, too? Maybe society’s real minimum requirement is just not having enough energy to care anymore . If you’re in the mood to question—well, basically everything—about modern adulthood, you’d better take a look at this . <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/06/5YearOldLyftNIBIHA_GR-copy.jpg”>LEARN MORE

LOS ANGELES—Stressing that it wasn’t their problem and they certainly didn’t have the time or energy to investigate further, the authors of a report released Thursday found that it was probably fine that a 5-year-old just whizzed by on a Lyft scooter. “Nobody else on the street seems to be freaking out or anything, and look, I don’t even know what the age restrictions are on those scooters, so maybe she meets the minimum requirements or something,” said lead researcher Amanda Powell, confirming that she was pretty sure you needed a phone to activate the scooter, so there was probably a parent or older sibling nearby. “The kid obviously knows what she’s doing—I mean, look at how fast she’s weaving in and out of the crowd. And anyway, even if it was a problem, what would I even do about it? Chase after her? She’s so far away at this point that it wouldn’t even be possible. Besides, I’m in a big hurry.” At press time, sources confirmed the distant sounds of honking horns followed by screeching tires and a loud crash could be literally anything.