“Unthinkable Thoughts: The Dark Idea That Could Alienate Your Closest Friends and Family”

Ever wondered what goes on in that chaotic mind of yours when a truly bizarre thought springs up? Buckle up, because the latest report from experts—who seem to have mastered the art of mind-reading (or at least eavesdropping on our hidden musings)—delivers some gut-wrenching news: those unsettling thoughts could turn your nearest and dearest into strangers overnight! Seriously, picture this—your friends, your coworkers, even your own parents recoiling in horror and ghosting you faster than you can say, “What was I thinking?” It’s like having your own personal horror show playing in your head, accompanying the dramatic question, “Am I really this messed up?” Spoiler alert: apparently, you are. So, hold on tight, keep those thoughts buried deep, and let’s dive into this hilarious yet cringeworthy exploration of our darkest secrets! <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/ReportTerribleThingNIBIHA_GR.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

NEW YORK—According to a report released Friday by experts who know all about what has been happening in your mind for the past few seconds, the terrible thing that just popped into your head would make your loved ones turn on you immediately. “Everyone you know, everyone you care for, would abandon you instantly if they ever knew about that awful, awful thing that just occurred to you,” read the report, which acknowledged that friends, coworkers, and even casual acquaintances would immediately disavow you after hearing about that one repulsive thought that recently flitted through your consciousness. “Even your own parents would cut off communication with you. Think about that. Your mother. Your father. Both too disturbed to answer your call. How could you ever think something so horrible? Well, because you’re a sick individual, obviously. And if anyone ever gets wind of this, you’ll be evicted from your house and driven from polite society like the monster you are. And social media? Forget about it. You’d be lucky if you ever worked again. Frankly, you’d deserve it. Oh God, you just had that despicable thought again, didn’t you? Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with you?” The report concluded that this was why you had to keep such thoughts quiet and push them down, down, as far down as you possibly could for the rest of your life.