Unveiled: The Surprising Figures Behind Trump’s Ambitious Military Parade
June 14 is upon us again—this time with a cannon-blast of fanfare, as America’s military celebrates a whopping 250 years of, let’s face it, some very memorable history (and a parade guaranteed to have more tanks than a child’s wildest Hot Wheels dreams). Can you picture it? The National Mall overloaded with confetti, Mastercard floats recycled from last week’s pride party, and the looming possibility that we’ll literally watch a tank cave in a city street on live television. Wild, right? Seriously though, who decided it was wise to mix military hardware, questionable celebrities, and the kind of crowd that’ll remember right around hour two—parades are, frankly, sort of boring to watch. Grab your popcorn (and maybe earplugs—fireworks at 9:45 p.m., anyone?), because The Onion is about to reveal the mind-boggling numbers and absurdities behind this historic event. Ready for a laugh—and maybe a tear, if the “250 Years of PTSD Fireworks Show” is any indication? LEARN MORE.Saturday, June 14 marks the 250th anniversary of the founding of the U.S. Army, which will be celebrated with a festival and military parade in Washington, D.C. The Onion examines the facts and figures behind the event.
12:
Repurposed Mastercard Pride floats
26%:
Likelihood tanks cave in city street and plunge into center of Earth
4:
Military stars being awarded to Kid Rock
200,000:
Attendees who just remembered parades are kind of boring to watch
833:
Tanks it takes to spell out HAPPY BIRTHDAY ARMY AND, COINCIDENTALLY, DONALD TRUMP
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