Unveiling the Secrets Behind Trump’s Fierce Showdown With Harvard
Here’s a question that’s been keeping me up at night—what happens when the world’s most famous university and the world’s most infamous president lock horns over billions of dollars? Harvard has produced presidents, Nobel laureates, and a frankly uncountable number of khaki-clad overachievers… But did any of them imagine the campus would one day face off against Donald Trump himself in a showdown so surreal, it’d make even a late-night host blink twice? With $3 billion suddenly tied up like some Ivy League ransom note and both sides flexing their silliest muscles (and apparently, measuring skulls), you couldn’t invent a story this bizarre. C’mon, are we sure this timeline wasn’t written in crayon on the back of a Harvard diploma? So, buckle up—because The Onion just dropped the timeline of the Trump–Harvard feud that’s part soap opera, part cage match (minus the Ivy). And if you’re hungry for the play-by-play—including barroom epiphanies and a bird cage bargaining chip—you’d better brace yourself. This is real, it’s wild, and it might be dangerously close to parody—or is it just Tuesday in 2024? LEARN MORE.President Donald Trump has frozen more than $3 billion in grants and contracts as his feud with Harvard University continues to escalate. The Onion shares a timeline of the dispute’s key dates so far.
January 29: Trump administration accuses the Harvard Law Review of promoting violent pro-law rhetoric.
February 3: The Justice Department announces the creation of the multiagency Task Force to Own the Libs.
February 19: Trump’s negative view of Harvard cemented after watching the Good Will Hunting barroom scene on Paramount+.
March 6: Trump signs an executive order declaring that the president can’t be accused of antisemitism.
April 3: Harvard pressured to increase diversity of viewpoints by hiring more professors with successful AM talk radio shows
April 14: Harvard pointedly rejects the Trump administration’s demands by sending his messenger back to the White House decapitated and strapped to their horse.
May 2: Harvard asserts there is “no legal basis” for taking away its tax-exempt status, making it a near certainty that Trump will do so.
May 15–17: Brief respite as Trump forgets any of this happening.
May 28: Trump demands a list of all international students’ names, countries, and skull measurements.
September 1, 2027: Trump awarded honorary degree in exchange for releasing Harvard president from Oval Office bird cage.
