“Unveiling the Secrets of the Girlboss Era: Are We Ready for a New Kind of Leadership?”
People of Earth, we beg of you: Provide the coordinates of this human you call boss babe without delay!
For eons, Vriphlaxons have sought to connect with the most powerful female beings in the universe. We synergize with them and, at times, work with them to establish lucrative co-branding partnerships. But this is our crew’s most urgent expedition yet. We have traveled countless lightyears in our coworking starship to reach this girlboss living among your kind. We now wish to transport her aboard for a power brunch. While your world of networking happy hours remains bleak and unfamiliar to us, we extend this offering of rosé formulated for all-day consumption as a gesture of good will.
Please, lay down your armaments! There is no need to fear. Our mission is not one of malice, but of self-care. You must understand, we come from a faraway world where our reserves of lifestyle-brand startups and multi-level marketing opportunities have long run dry. Lands once lush with women-owned boutique public relations firms now sit barren, as millions of female Vriphlaxons have fled, navigating remote dimensions in search of new corporate ladders to climb. The situation has grown urgent.
We realize our boss bitches—with their seven limbs, gelatinous exoskeletons, and lamprey-like mouths—may not look like the ones on your planet, but please know they are just as committed to working hard and playing harder.
Enough customary pleasantries. We must speak to your girlboss now. Given the dire conditions of our home world, we have no choice but to install her as femme-peror of the galaxy, a position from which she can girlboss hundreds of millions of inhabited planets. Then she can impart the girl code by which we all shall abide. Our great hope is that the skills she possesses—from basic gatekeeping to a knack for increasing her personal brand visibility—will be enough to end 13 billion years of galactic patriarchy.
