“Vatican’s Sacred Streets: Pope Francis Sounds Alarm as Head Shops Encroach on Holiness”

In a surprise turn of events that feels like something straight out of a satire, Pope Francis has stepped into the ring on a rather unusual issue: the burgeoning head shop scene in Vatican City. Yes, you heard that right! It’s not your average Sunday sermon when the pontiff is lamenting over bongs cluttering the views of the sacred architecture he holds dear. Can you imagine strolling past a display featuring, of all things, a Grateful Dead bear praying the rosary while the blessed colonnade gets drowned in neon lights? Oh, the heavenly irony! The Pope is calling for action to keep these head shops at bay—at least 100 yards away from any holy site, thank you very much! So, is it divine intervention or just a really wild day in the Vatican? Let’s dive into this holy mix of ballooning cannabis culture and the sacred grounds of the Catholic Church. <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/PopeFrancisDecries-NIBIHAGR-copy.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

VATICAN CITY—Speaking to reporters in front of Saint Peter’s Holy Vape House in the heart of downtown, Pope Francis spoke out this week against the legal head shops he decried are overrunning Vatican City. “You can’t walk the colonnade without passing a cluttered window display with a bunch of bongs and a painting of a Grateful Dead bear praying the rosary,” said His Holiness, who called on Vatican City officials to outlaw the cannabis paraphernalia retailers from operating within 100 yards of any religious site such as the Sistine Chapel. “These rundown head shops make the piazzas look tacky, especially at night with their flashing neon crucifix-inside-a-marijuana-leaf signs. Sure, some of their stained glass bubblers are pretty dope, but do we really need so many of them? Besides, you can already get grinders and lighters and shit at the Vatican gift shop.” The Supreme Pontiff was later spotted stepping out of The Virgin Mary’s Smoke Shack with a fresh pack of rolling papers.