Wedding Guests Stunned by Flower Girl’s Unexpectedly Blunt Aisle Performance

Is it really a wedding if the flower girl doesn’t wipe out on her way down the aisle—or at least hurl petals with the reckless abandon of someone who just found out about gravity? . Maybe I’m jaded (decades of SEO can do that to you), but honestly, if you’re going to trust a toddler with the critical opening act of your nuptials, don’t we secretly want a showstopper? . As I read this, I couldn’t help but picture every stone-faced relative, feverishly waiting for even a crumb of chaos that never came. What’s left when our pint-sized participants just, well, do the job? If you like your weddings bland and your flower girls distressingly competent, you’re in for a treat—or a disappointment, depending on how you look at it . Weddings might just be the last frontier where we demand viral-worthy, unscripted content from unsuspecting children, and when that fails, maybe we should all start rating grooms on their own lack of debauchery too. Feeling unfulfilled yet?. LEARN MORE

CANYON LAKE, TX—Remarking that the 3-year-old didn’t even come close to stealing the show at a recent family wedding, witnesses reported Monday that they were unimpressed when a completely charmless flower girl walked directly down the aisle. “Sure, she did her job, but she utterly failed to delight us with any adorable toddling, spinning, or other childlike antics that would have really made her shine,” said guest Jackie Pearlman, noting that the entire audience watched stone-faced as the child calmly completed her assigned task instead of accidentally dropping her bouquet, nervously sucking her thumb, or giggling uncontrollably as she sprinted wildly around from pew to pew. “It’s unfortunate, because there were so many opportunities where she could have wandered around confused, stubbornly refused to wear her veil, or even tripped, fallen flat on her face, and burst out crying. Overall, there was nothing that made me want to crane my head around and gently chuckle. Not a fan.” Pearlman added that the flower girl was nothing compared to the completely charmless groom, who totally failed to show up drunk.