What Clues in a Kid’s Style Tip Off Teachers About Their Wildly Cool Home Life?

Have you ever looked at a kid with sunglasses indoors, a mohawk sharp enough to open mail, and thought, “Is this child in danger—or just dangerously cool?” That’s the existential crisis haunting fourth-grade teacher Patricia Cormac, who’s bravely navigating the gnarly waves between ordinary student mischief and home environments so rad they might require a chillness intervention. The thing is, I’ve spent years breaking down search algorithms—yet I’ve never seen signals as bold as Tony Hawk wannabes blasting through elementary school hallways, sporting dinosaur tats and a fearless disregard for punctuality. It begs the question: When did the warning signs of childhood become torn between comic tragedy and caffeine-fueled euphoria? Dive into this wickedly sharp satire from The Onion, where the real crisis isn’t neglect, but a surplus of epicness. <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/TeacherCanNIBIHAGR-copy.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

TUCSON, AZ—Expressing concerns after she observed several of the telltale warning signs, fourth-grade teacher Patricia Cormac told reporters Wednesday that she could tell a student in her class with spiky hair and sunglasses came from a rad home. “When you’ve been in this profession as long as I have, little behavioral tics like skateboarding into school 10 minutes late or repeatedly hitting classmates with a thumbs-ups can be a red flag that a child is experiencing some totally sick behavior behind the scenes,” said Cormac, confirming that her suspicions began when she saw markings around her student’s arms and shoulders that were likely left by a badass temporary tattoo of a dinosaur. “At this point, it’s too early to say how severe the situation is. It could just be that the family is going through a pretty awesome period and things will settle back to normal, but it could be something larger. I remember we had a case a couple years ago where it turned out a student had nothing to eat at home but Mountain Dew Code Red and triple pepperoni pizzas with extra cheese.” Cormac added that in this case it was likely a social worker would eventually be called in to do a chillness check.