What Did the GOP Just Save Us From on TV?

Ever wonder if the remote is mightier than the sword… or at least scarier? I mean, who knew that flickering box in the living room was such a menace, ready to unleash a deluge of “milquetoast jokes” that could bring the entire nation to its trembling knees? Over here, I’m still trying to work out which is more terrifying: network sitcoms or the way politics can wrap itself heroically around a problem no one asked it to solve. Reading this latest dispatch from our chronically anxious republic, I can’t help but cackle. Apparently, it takes the full weight of the GOP and a presidential nod from Trump himself to safeguard every last American from the potential trauma of Friends reruns and tepid commentary. Is comfort TV the new national threat, or have we just run out of dragons? Golly, maybe next we’ll need a congressional task force to rebel against crossword puzzles. Dive into the spectacle—because nothing says ‘bravery’ like unplugging the cable box. LEARN MORE

WASHINGTON—Thanking the government for defending the public from the terrifying screen in their homes, the American people confirmed Thursday that they were grateful to Republicans for protecting them from TV. “Thank God we have the GOP to safeguard us from television and all the frightening people on it,” said Seattle resident Eric Torento, echoing the sentiments of 340 million Americans who commended the Republican Party for its steadfast commitment to shielding them from the terrifying stream of colorful pictures and sounds being continually broadcast into the nation’s homes. “I live in constant fear that I might go outside and walk past a TV screen showing sitcoms, news, or mild topical commentary. If it weren’t for President Trump and other Republicans, who knows what milquetoast jokes we might hear? No longer will we have to worry about the scary box.” At press time, the fearful nation urged the GOP to shelter it from any books, radio, digital media, newspapers, or films.