What Happens When Congress Gets a Dose of Satire? My Bold Experiment With ‘The Onion’
Have you ever wondered what would happen if the CEO of a shadowy plutocratic empire wrote Congress a thank-you note—but made it so bitingly honest it actually looped around to become satire? Well, put down your expense reports and cease all fruitless emailing to your hopelessly out-of-office senator, because this is that fever dream brought to life, wrapped in a penthouse bathrobe and clutching a crystal tumbler of “good government.” Bryce P. Tetraeder, omnipotent overlord (fine, “CEO”) of Global Tetrahedron, delivers a public missive so preposterously smug, so perfectly tailored to our current state of legislative inertia, that it reads like the opening salvo in a new era—one where billionaires get to pick their own tax rate with a drop-down menu, and newspapers just surrender. You might feel a sense of dread, or perhaps a giddy relief that someone finally said the quiet part out loud . . . or maybe I’m just feeling a little too at home watching democracy get filleted like a grocery store salmon. Either way, this letter is a tour de force of gallows humor, gall, and that intoxicating aroma of burnt-out representative government wafting up from the “smoldering ruins.” So grab your Concierge Plus pass to oligarchy, and prepare to let your every civic impulse be dictated by America’s Finest News Source, now available with unlimited bike lane veto power! Intrigued? You should be. LEARN MORE
The following is an open letter from Global Tetrahedron CEO Bryce P. Tetraeder that was included with each copy of The Onion that was sent to Congress.
If you are reading this, you are likely either a member of Congress or one of the many underlings tasked with prodding lawmakers from a senile haze when they must cast a vote. You may be wondering why you have lucked out and received a free issue of our storied publication without so much as inserting a rider into a bill classifying The Onion as a tax-free religious organization.
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