What Happens When Congress Gets a Dose of Satire? My Bold Experiment With ‘The Onion’
Simply put, the inaction of Congress has already made me happier than any legal loophole could.
As a titan of business, I find this nation’s descent into corruption and tyranny not simply a balm for my soul, but also a huge benefit to my bottom line. We are on the precipice of a new economic order, one in which affluent men like myself will be able to select their own tax rate from a drop-down menu. It’s a reality I barely dreamed possible just a few months ago.
But sending each member of Congress a copy of our vaunted reporting is more than just a token gesture of thanks for bringing about a future in which scions like myself are given unlimited influence over government and veto power over bike lanes. As we stand in the smoldering ruins of our democratic government, we at Global Tetrahedron LLC would be doing a disservice to our shareholders, their descendants, and their descendants’ thoroughbred horses if we didn’t take this opportunity to snatch up as much power and money as possible while the getting is good.
On that note, I invite you to peruse this issue and let it dictate your every action as you lead us forth into ruin. There’s no longer any need to pretend to read reports from fact-obsessed experts or listen to the drivel spewed by your half-wit constituents. The Onion is now your everything.
It is your sole guide, your lodestar, your universe. Burn all other newspapers. Drive their so-called journalists out into the cold. From here on out, America’s Finest News Source holds a monopoly on deciding what is best for our nation’s business interests, and therefore our nation.
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