Why Is She So Desperate to Keep Her Country Music Obsession a Secret?

Ever get the creeping sense that your deepest, darkest secrets are about to be exposed—only to realize that it’s just your music taste that’s under threat? Believe me, I’ve survived plenty of SEO algorithm disasters, but nothing short-circuits the human brain quite like the fear someone will peek over your shoulder and realize you’re not streaming some hip Brooklyn indie band, but, oh no, you’re bumping Luke Bryan like it’s a guilty little secret! Why is it that loving country music in public feels more shameful than clearing your browser history after a YouTube rabbit hole? In a world desperate for Instagrammable playlists, we’re out here defending our listening choices like we just got caught pirating anime. Anyway, buckle up—this tongue-in-cheek exposé is about the hilariously unnecessary panic that strikes when your Spotify queue doesn’t match your “sophisticated urban persona.” Ready to feel seen and a little roasted? <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/AshamedWomanHiding-NIB-PH.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

CHICAGO—Attempting to keep her browser tab concealed from view for fear her guilty pleasure would be exposed to nearby coworkers, ashamed woman Lily Paolini was reportedly hiding her interest in country music Friday as though it were hentai. “What am I listening to? Oh, just the music of Post Malone. He’s a pop artist,” the panicked, sweating Paolini said out loud to no one in particular, adjusting the angle of her screen as if it showed an anime of a busty teenage schoolgirl, though it in fact displayed the album art for Luke Bryan’s 2011 release Tailgates & Tanlines. “I’m just listening to some normal pop music. I hate when singers go on and on about the slow beauty of country life or the freedom of a pickup truck on an open road. If that kind of music ever came up on my Spotify, it’d be because I got hacked.” At press time, reports confirmed Paolini was hurriedly changing her Spotify to a sensible episode of The Daily before getting off the train to meet up with her boyfriend.