Why Sleep Experts Warn Nighttime Exposure to ‘Divine Light’ Could Be Sabotaging Your Rest

Ever find yourself lying awake at 2 a.m. wondering if it’s actually the blue glow of your phone messing with your sleep—or maybe, just maybe, it’s the celestial spotlight of the Almighty Himself blasting directly through your blackout curtains? I mean, sure, everyone talks about banning screens before bed, but has anyone ever suggested a little less divine illumination before tucking in? Well, Cornell’s sleep experts have finally cracked the case wide open: apparently, dosing yourself with the “brilliant light of God” late at night can leave your bedtime routine holier-than-thou—and not in a good way. I can’t help but imagine: How does one even dim the pearly gates? Do you just ask for an extra hour of darkness or invest in some infernal eyewear? If you’re curious why your circadian rhythm could be fighting a holy war every evening and how the sacred can sabotage your shut-eye, you’re going to want to keep reading. Don’t worry—I promise not to judge if you set your prayers to Do Not Disturb mode after sunset. <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/SleepExpertsSuggest-NIB-IHA-GR.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

ITHACA, NY—In an effort to help Americans get a better night’s rest, sleep experts from Cornell University issued a recommendation Wednesday to cut back on God’s light before bed. “The Lord’s divine grace can put the body into a state of religious excitement, so we typically suggest avoiding His holy light for two hours before your regular bedtime,” said sleep researcher Edna Hardy, who added that the disruption of circadian rhythms caused by basking in the abundant glory of the Lord while in bed could lead to depression and cardiovascular problems down the line. “Personally, I never pray after 8 p.m. The brilliant light of God shining down upon you can confuse your body into thinking it’s time to make a pilgrimage in service of the Almighty when it should be winding down for rest. Ideally, you should keep any Bibles or crucifixes out of your bedroom entirely so your mind only associates that space with sleep and sex and not the everlasting salvation of eternal life through Christ.” Hardy added that people struggling to avoid God’s light close to bedtime could purchase special glasses designed to block it by selling their soul to the devil.