Why Top Therapists Suggest Unleashing Your Inner Crybaby—And What Happens Next

Ever found yourself staring at the ceiling wondering if adulthood is just an endless series of crises, punctuated only by the occasional existential scream into your pillow? Yeah, me too . It turns out, the nation’s finest mental health professionals have done a little soul-searching of their own—and they’ve come back with a groundbreaking prescription: crying like a helpless baby . No, really. In a world where inflation’s got us reconsidering whether we really need groceries (I mean, can’t we live off vibes and nostalgia?), and the job market’s about as welcoming as a wasp’s nest, sometimes the only way forward is to throw yourself a personal pity party . Maybe you’re haunted by student loans or your emotional support houseplant withered after that last energy bill—whatever the flavor of your despair, maybe just let the waterworks flow . Hold up, though—is this just tough love with a pacifier, or actually the most honest advice 2024 has to offer? Let’s dive into the hilariously blunt world of coddled catharsis. LEARN MORE.

CLEVELAND—In response to the rising cost of living, a lack of job options, and decreased educational opportunities, a consortium of leading mental health experts met this week and advised struggling Americans to try crying about it like a little baby. “Whether inflation is making it hard for you to afford groceries or you’re drowning in medical debt, we highly recommend you try bawling your eyes out and going ‘wah wah wah,’” said Anthony Marlow, a psychologist at Case Western Reserve University who explained that just five minutes per day of wallowing in their problems and saying “I’m a poor widdle baby, I’m a poor widdle baby” could give distressed Americans a much-needed break. “Instead of doomscrolling in bed, why not put down your phone, take a breath, and start whimpering about how the bank foreclosed on your home and you’re soooo sad? Or if you’re one of the millions of American feeling isolated and lonely, why not throw yourself a little pity party to feel better about being such an unlovable fucking loser?” The psychologist went on to recommend that any mental health experts who disagreed with his advice go whine about it to their “fucking mommy.”