“Women Required to Use Baby Talk: The Surprising New Federal Mandate That Has Everyone Talking!”

In a stunning turn of events that feels like it was ripped straight from a satirical sitcom, Congress has just passed legislation requiring all women over 18 to adopt a baby voice. Yes, you heard that right! Picture this: Senate Majority Leader John Thune laying down the law about trimming vocabularies to a mere handful of babyish phrases like “night night” and “tummy.” It sounds ridiculous, but in today’s climate, who’s to say what’s next? With mandates for pigtails and schoolgirl uniforms thrown in for good measure, one has to wonder—what happened to actual grown-up conversations? You might think this is farce, but it’s hard to know what’s real anymore! So grab your favorite snack, get comfy, and prepare for a comedic rollercoaster ride through this absurd new world. <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/NewFederalNIBPHG.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—In a decisive victory for longtime champions of the cause, congressional leaders announced Wednesday the passage of a new federal law mandating that all women talk with a baby voice. “Under the terms of this legislation, every American female over the age of 18 is now required to speak with short, simple words in a high vocal register,” said Senate Majority Leader John Thune, underlining the Republican mission of paring down the vocabularies of every adult woman in the United States to a maximum of five words, including “night night,” “wuv,” and “tummy.” “This goes for all women, including my Senate colleagues: You must immediately tie your hair into pigtails and replace your standard laugh with a coquettish giggle. Any woman not wearing a schoolgirl uniform will be considered to have acted in direct violation of this law, as will any woman who refers to a man by any term other than ‘daddy.’” Thune went on to express his support for a similar law that would require all the nation’s men to lower their voices by at least two octaves and communicate solely through grunts.