“Zoological Experts Suggest Gorilla’s Dull Stare Hints at Unacknowledged Passion for Gothic Literature”
“Poor thing. Imagine being forced to sit in a cage all day with nothing to do but read about Heathcliff pacing around a mansion and growing bitter with resentment through the years,” said 43-year-old Elmhurst, IL resident Angela Kreusler, who sighed and shook her head as she watched the great ape fidget with the corner of a page. “It’s such a shame. Gorillas need constant stimulus. You can tell he’s not engaged. Just look at the way he yawns every time he turns a page.”
“Can’t they at least give him a Jack Reacher book or something?” added Kreusler, crossing her arms in indignation.
Zoo visitors told reporters they feared that the inadequate living conditions in the enclosure would cause further suffering for the gorilla, observing that Nzinga was less than one-third of the way through the novel and had ahead of him hundreds of pages detailing the tedious and confusing lives of Cathy, Catherine, Heathcliff, Linton Heathcliff, Hindley, and Hareton, among numerous other impossible-to-keep-track-of characters.
“Locking up animals like this without any other entertainment options is simply immoral and cruel,” said 29-year-old William Torres, who pledged to never return to any zoo after taking in the depressing sight of the gorilla nearly nodding off while reading the novel. “I just wish I could reach in there and hand him the SparkNotes. He doesn’t even have access to a family tree explaining how those living at Thrushcross Grange and Wuthering Heights are related to each other. No wonder he’s so miserable.”
