$20 Billion Gamble: What’s Really at Stake in the Paramount–Warner Bros. Merger?
What do you get when you cross two entertainment powerhouses, an antitrust lawyer with a sore neck, and a roomful of cardboard cutouts desperately pretending to be an editorial board? Well, apparently, you get the Warner Bros.-Paramount mega-merger splashed across every trade publication’s front page—along with enough corporate intrigue to inspire at least three rebooted soap operas (and, by the sound of things, a psychosexual Bugs Bunny thriller). After wrangling with lawsuits, wringing out a few state AGs, and building a suspiciously long plastic tube between studios (I mean, 14 miles?! Are they sending notes by pneumatic tube now?), Paramount and Warner Bros. are finally snuggling up. Will the studio combo bring us innovative storytelling, or is the only “new idea” we’ll see the addition of Saudi princes in network meetings? As a digital marketer who long ago traded sleep for SEO victories—and as someone who thinks “The Pitt” needed more DoorDash writers anyway—I’m buckled in for this wild ride. Want to see the jaw-dropping facts, awkward numbers, and a few spicy surprises? LEARN MORE.
Despite a slew of setbacks, Paramount cleared the last major hurdle in its proposed acquisition of Warner Bros. when it reached an agreement to resolve an antitrust lawsuit brought forth by a dozen states. The Onion breaks down the key facts and figures behind the historic deal to create a media behemoth.
3
Antitrust laws massaged
17
Saudi princes allowed to give network notes
6
Cardboard cutouts that make up the editorial oversight board
90%
Increase in probability that DoorDash driver once wrote an episode of The Pitt
54
Number of times per show that Jake Tapper will now be required to say, “We owe our prosperity to President Trump”
1
Psychosexual Bugs Bunny thriller coming soon to Paramount+
14 miles
Length of tube used to connect the two studios together
62
DVDs you shouldn’t have donated to Goodwill
0
New ideas
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