Why Is the U.S. Military Suddenly Measuring Troops’ Testosterone?
Can we talk about the U.S. military’s latest plan to boost morale—by literally boosting testosterone? Honestly, only the Pentagon could turn a routine health check into a nationwide masculinity contest where the prize is hormone therapy. As if the squad wasn’t competitive enough! I mean…I’ve seen group chats with less pressure. Imagine being over 30, heading in for your annual assessment, and finding out your real enemy isn’t overseas, it’s your dwindling T-levels. Is this just one step away from the Army issuing protein shakes and free gym memberships? Maybe next year it’s beard oil and a contest for “Most Alpha Energy in the Mess Hall.” Seriously, what’s next—mandatory flex-offs? Dive in for voices that are just as confused (and a lot funnier) as I am. LEARN MORE
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a new policy to test testosterone levels of service members aged 30 and above as part of their annual health assessment, with medical teams recommending hormone therapy for those found to be deficient. What do you think?
“Bad news for the 82nd Eunuch Division.”
Britt Kravitz, Oven Tester
“They should also consider providing troops with hair transplants and buccal fat removal.”
Owen Maselli, Unemployed
“Yet my ‘mandatory stool tests for mailmen’ idea went nowhere.”
Niles Fishbein, Flag Waver
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