Revolutionary B.L.E.P.H. Stat Promises to Change How We Watch Baseball Forever
Ever get the feeling that baseball statistics are really just a bunch of nerdy hieroglyphics, meticulously designed to keep the rest of us completely baffled? Well, grab your TI-89s and take a seat because apparently, we’ve run out of acronyms—again . The nation’s baseball analysts have hit a wild new low (or high?), straight-up demanding a fresh, utterly mysterious stat: B.L.E.P.H. No one can tell you what it means—it could measure anything from the speed of a player’s chewing gum to whether his lucky socks affect on-base percentage. All they know is, it absolutely must require gallons of advanced calculus and should sound wildly intimidating . I can’t decide if I’m terrified or impressed or—honestly—a little turned on by the mathematical chaos. Has analytics finally eaten itself? Dive in and find out, before someone invents xB.L.E.P.H. above replacement just to spite us . LEARN MORE
NEW YORK—Stressing that the sport’s existing suite of advanced metrics was no longer sufficient to satisfy their hunger for increasingly granular data, baseball analysts from across the country called Wednesday for the creation of a new statistic called B.L.E.P.H. “We don’t care what it measures or how it’s calculated—we just need something called B.L.E.P.H., and we need it now,” FanGraphs contributor Derek Gardner said on behalf of the larger baseball analyst community, adding that it was extremely important that B.L.E.P.H. be “complicated as all hell” and require “fuck-tons of math” to measure, and that it should make “complex shit like Pythagorean winning percentage look as simple as counting balls and strikes.” “Seriously, we’re fiending over here. Man cannot live on VORP and BABIP allowed alone. We are desperate for B.L.E.P.H., and someone must give it to us immediately. Maybe it weighs a player’s chase rate against their religion—don’t think there’s a stat for that yet. Whatever the hell it is, it doesn’t really matter as long as it’s an acronym. Maybe it could be something like ‘Baseball Lineup Expected Probability of Hurt’ that tells you how likely it is that someone in the lineup gets hurt? I don’t know. Frankly, that’s for the eggheads to figure out. Our job is to demand B.L.E.P.H.” Gardner went on to confirm that baseball analysts would also accept B.L.E.P.H.−, B.L.E.P.H.+, xB.L.E.P.H., or B.L.E.P.H. above replacement, so long as all four were immediately available in easily sortable rankings on all of the websites they already frequent.
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