Why Did She Spend Every Halloween Stumbling Home in Tears and Makeup?

Have you ever woken up the morning after a college party, mascara rivers painting your cheeks, and wondered if your degree was in biochemistry or just in tear-stained foundation? I’ll be the first to admit, some memories feel suspiciously like deleted Snapchat stories—except, apparently for Ally Biederman, who can only recall college through the blurry, streaky lens of smudged Halloween makeup and walk-of-shame Ubers. It’s as if every lecture, every textbook, every wholesome campus event just disappeared under a thick layer of Frankenstein green or Minion yellow. And honestly, who among us hasn’t realized their most vivid triumphs—with or without magna cum laude—often came wearing a “Sexy Mario” costume and red-eyed from the world’s most existential Mario Kart defeat? Let’s peel back the sticky, glittery curtain and see why nostalgic cringe and academic glory sometimes run down our faces in equal measure. LEARN MORE.

OMAHA, NE—Admitting she recalled little else from her four years as an undergraduate, local woman Ally Biederman confirmed Tuesday that most of her college memories involved walking home while crying in Halloween makeup. “Pretty much all I remember from 2013 to 2017 is drunkenly stumbling back to my dorm with Halloween face paint running down my cheeks,” said the 31-year-old, adding that any other recollections of her social or academic life had been eclipsed by the nights she’d spent standing in the quad sobbing off the elaborate makeup she’d applied for her Frankenstein, zombie nurse, and “Sexy Mario” costumes. “I have a degree, so clearly I must have studied and attended classes. But for the most part, the only impressions that remain are crying so hard in a frat house basement that my Mario mustache came off, squeezing into the back of an Uber with yellow Minion makeup streaming down my face, and sitting hungover in a dining hall still dressed in the same mermaid costume I’d worn the night before.” Biederman also told reporters that despite graduating magna cum laude, being admitted to graduate school, and meeting her future husband, she had no memories from her entire senior year except getting her stomach pumped while dressed like a mime.