Why My Biggest Fear Isn’t Football Injuries—It’s My Son’s Secret Love Triangle With the Team’s Power Couple
When exactly did high school football become riskier than a three-way at Burning Man? There I was, coffee in hand, gazing over the PTA snack signup sheet, when bam—some ambitious parent asked if my son would join the football team . The only contact sport my DNA is designed for is musical chairs at a wedding, thanks very much . But honestly, what parent among us hasn’t glanced at those glistening athletes colliding, bonding, and thought, “Dear God, do I really want my teenager stuck in the emotional penalty box that is a love triangle with the head cheerleader and captain?” The tradition! The drama! The untamed, hormonal chaos! Is scoring a touchdown worth limping home covered in hickeys and confusion? Makes you wonder: is cross-country just the only sport left unsponsored by the Kinsey scale? Or am I just the only one panicking over locker room plot twists? Either way, you’ll probably never look at Friday Night Lights—or the emergency room—the same way again… LEARN MORE
As a parent, nothing’s more important to me than my child’s health and well-being. So when a fellow PTA mom asked me earlier this fall when my son was going to go out for the football team, I was aghast. Tackle football? Are you kidding me? Not for my son, no way. I won’t let him play football because I don’t want him ending up in a bisexual love triangle with the head cheerleader and the team captain.
I get why high school football has been popular for so long, I do. The tradition. The excitement. The passion. The bonding with the chiseled, brooding teammate. But we can’t bury our heads in the sand and pretend the facts aren’t plain and clear: My son and the North Valley High starting quarterback have undeniable chemistry. And while a little competition’s healthy, what happens when they’re both going after the same girl, while at the same time navigating the confusing and increasingly difficult-to-ignore feelings they have for each other?
A young, developing brain can’t withstand that level of drama and jealousy.
Let’s be real. Football is a contact sport. That means the athletes are constantly colliding with each other at high speeds, crashing, blocking, sacking, grabbing, squeezing, and yearning. Every day they spend hours together running these drills, helmet to helmet and cheek to cheek, staring into each other’s dazzling dark eyes and breathing in the scent of each other’s animal musk. And all of this under the watchful gaze of Brianna Peters, waving her pom-poms from the sidelines and scheming about a way to trick them into kissing.
It might seem like wholesome, all-American activity until you look out from the bleachers six weeks later and realize with horror you’ve plunged the child you’re meant to protect into the middle of an erotic psychosexual throuple.
I’m horrified to think of my poor baby, barely able to walk, wincing and limping into the house because he thrusted too much.
Are there rules to protect football players? Sure, but there’s nothing to prevent them from kissing on the field after a touchdown. And even if they do try to be careful, what about the locker room, the bus, an ice bath, the bleachers? I can’t bear the thought of seeing my son come home from practice every day covered in hickeys.
If my son wants to play a sport, he can choose something sexless, like cross country.
I know that some football parents will say I’m completely overreacting. Their son plays football, and he’s perfectly fine. He loves it! He’s healthy! He’s a 0 on the Kinsey scale! A 1 at most! Yeah. For now. That’s the thing about football. One incident is all it takes. One moment he’s fine, and the next, bam! He’s dropping his pants and getting into the hot tub nude between starting quarterback Ethan Carter and Brianna after she triple-dog-dares him. Pretty soon, she’s kneeling down and taking both of their penises into her soft, warm mouth at the same time. Then the next thing you know, you’re standing in the emergency room sobbing as a doctor somberly explains that, well, she chomped down really, really, really, really hard.
Does that sound safe to you? Because it doesn’t sound safe to me.
So those are the facts about football. And even if your child turns out to be one of the lucky ones who gets through high school without any problems, just you wait. I mean, look what happened to O.J. Simpson.
RIVER OF GOODS Stained Glass Magna Carta LED Ceiling Fan - 52" L x 52" W - Tiffany Style - Flush Mount Ceiling Fan with Remote - Teal
(as of October 31, 2026 01:04 GMT +00:00 - More infoProduct prices and availability are accurate as of the date/time indicated and are subject to change. Any price and availability information displayed on [relevant Amazon Site(s), as applicable] at the time of purchase will apply to the purchase of this product.)
RIVER OF GOODS Coastal 52 Inch Wooden Bead LED Ceiling Fan, Brown
(as of October 31, 2026 01:04 GMT +00:00 - More infoProduct prices and availability are accurate as of the date/time indicated and are subject to change. Any price and availability information displayed on [relevant Amazon Site(s), as applicable] at the time of purchase will apply to the purchase of this product.)
Fire Cloak - 1500F CE Certified Emergency Fire Blanket for Home & Kitchen | 500GSM Fabric & 0.5mm Thick - Silicon Coated 100% Fiberglass Essentials in House, Warehouse Office - 55"L x 70"W by Supa Ant
$83.99 (as of October 31, 2026 01:04 GMT +00:00 - More infoProduct prices and availability are accurate as of the date/time indicated and are subject to change. Any price and availability information displayed on [relevant Amazon Site(s), as applicable] at the time of purchase will apply to the purchase of this product.)
Rhythm Superfoods Kale Chips, Zesty Nacho, Organic and Non-GMO, 2.0 Oz (Pack of 4), Vegan/Gluten-Free Superfood Snacks
(as of October 31, 2026 01:04 GMT +00:00 - More infoProduct prices and availability are accurate as of the date/time indicated and are subject to change. Any price and availability information displayed on [relevant Amazon Site(s), as applicable] at the time of purchase will apply to the purchase of this product.)
Post Comment